Boring?

Do you ever wish you were more exciting?  That you were the life of the party?  Sometimes I wish that. 

I'm really great at being a hostess.  I am accommodating, a pretty good cook, kind, inviting... but for some reason, when friends come over, I feel like I bore them.  I don't know if that's necessarily true, but it sure feels like it sometimes. 

I've never been one to "party," but I do love a good conversation, and I certainly love to laugh.  Lately, however, I just feel like the only people who appreciate my style of hospitality and friendship are my fiance, my best friend, Marly, and my family.  I guess that's really all you can ask for in life.  But I sort of always pictured myself as a person who would have friends just bursting from the seams of her little 1 bedroom apartment - always too full of laughter and the warmth of good friendship.  And I pictured when I got married that my husband and I would have so many other "couple friends" who would come over for game nights and movie nights.

The last few times I've tried to open my home to other couples and groups of friends, I've just been completely underwhelmed.  Usually I end up feeling extremely exhausted after the fact because of all the effort and energy I put into making my home beautiful, preparing the food/whatever, and putting myself into that vulnerable state of being a hostess.  Then, when it seems like others just really aren't interested in spending time with you, it's like a big gust of wind just sweeps you off your feet and lands you really hard on your back on the ground.  My feelings hurt, my soul hurts, and I just want to curl up and sleep.  For days.

Sorry to sound all emo, but this is just how I've been feeling for the last few days.  A little disappointed to say the least, and a little hurt and confused to say the most.

I didn't know I was so boring...